Youth Sports: When Are Sports Parents Too Involved?

By Lisa Cohn and Dr. Patrick Cohn

One sports parent began training his son at the age of four to become a pro football player. The dad quit his job to facilitate his son’s coaching. The boy is now 12 and spends 10 hours per day training with his father.

When is a sports parent too involved?

Above all, sports parents need to keep in mind the importance of helping their young athletes lead balanced lives. Do they have the time to play with friends and pursue other interests? Or are their identities only defined by their role as athletes? You don’t want your kids to judge their self-worth solely on whether they score points or play on winning teams.

It’s also important to let the child lead you. You don’t want your child to play sports to fulfill your dreams. When kids play only to satisfy their parents, they often feel pressured. It’s difficult to play freely and intuitively. What’s more, they generally drop out of sports, and then miss all its great social, emotional and physical benefits!

We’re not saying you shouldn’t be involved at all in your child’s sports experience. It’s all about striking a balance. Once your child decides to play sports, you’ve got an important role to play as sports parents.

You should take charge of finding an appropriate coach and team for your child. It’s a good idea to support the coach and team as much as possible by bringing snacks or organizing the parents.

What’s more, you should learn all about “mental game” strategies that will help your child boost confidence and happiness in sports. Some of these strategies include:

• Setting manageable goals instead of communicating high expectations
• Focusing your child’s attention on the process of execution in the here and now instead of worrying about results, rankings, and statistics
• Helping kids take responsibility for their confidence instead of leaving confidence up to chance—and how well they play at the beginning of a game
• Helping kids learn how to let go of mistakes
• Encouraging young athletes to stay composed during crunch time so they can contribute to the team instead of tightening up and playing scared
• Encouraging kids to play freely and intuitively rather than playing scared and being afraid of making mistakes.

Award winning parenting writer Lisa Cohn and Youth Sports Psychology expert Dr. Patrick Cohn are co-founders of The Ultimate Sports Parent. Pick up their free e-book, “Ten Tips to Improve Confidence and Success in Young Athletes” by visiting http://www.youthsportspsychology.com.

Youth Sports: An Athlete’s "Emotional Tank"

By Lisa Cohn and Dr. Patrick Cohn

How can parents and coaches fill a young athlete’s “emotional tank?”

Coaches need to praise kids five times before they provide one piece of constructive criticism, says David Jacobson, a spokesman for the Positive Coaching Alliance, based at Stanford University.

“We liken a child’s emotional tank to a car’s gas tank. When the tank is full, it runs well. When it’s drained, it doesn’t run well,” he explains.

To fill a child’s or teen’s tank, parents and coaches need to provide a steady flow of specific, truthful praise, Jacobson says. When you do this, sports kids are more confident. They’re also more open to criticism and more likely to listen to what the coach or parent has to say.

“When you’re praising, you’re creating a great feeling for the child so he or she wants to continue the work required to excel as an athlete and take away all the life lessons that sports has to offer,” he says.

It’s critical to build young athletes’ confidence by praising them. For many young athletes, confidence is fragile and wavers easily depending on their performance and feedback from parents and coaches. They’re less likely to feel confident if they make mistakes or lose a match and get criticized.

One of your goals is to help your child develop a more stable level of confidence. Help them through the bumps in the confidence roller coaster.

Here’s another way to fill your kids’ emotional tanks and boost their confidence: Teach them how to praise themselves. Help your kids create a confidence resume. It may include a fun practice, a past experience, a successful game, skills improvement or good coaching. Ask your kids to review their confidence resumes before competing.

To develop confidence, kids, should have a “highlight reel” in their heads just before a game, says Robert Troutwine, Ph.D., founder of Troutwine and Associates. That’s a mental image of their most amazing play, move or moment in sports. It’s an image of a play, move or moment that makes them feel on top of the world!

Remember: The last thing we want is for your young athletes to mentally rehearse bad plays, moves or moments in sports!

Why? Because they’ll be practicing the wrong things. They’ll allow self-doubt to creep into their minds. They’ll be totally distracted!

However, playing in their heads a highlight reel that’s a totally awesome moment will help them feel confident—it will give them the feeling they can and will succeed.

Award winning parenting writer Lisa Cohn and Youth Sports Psychology expert Dr. Patrick Cohn are co-founders of The Ultimate Sports Parent. Pick up their free e-book, “Ten Tips to Improve Confidence and Success in Young Athletes” by visiting www.youthsportspsychology.com.

Talented Kid Athletes and High Expectations

Chris, the sports mom of an 8-year-old athlete, faces a difficult dilemma: Her son is a talented goalie in hockey, but he's so good that his team mates and coaches rely on him.

Chris's problem: The boy feels so pressured to perform that he recently pretended to be sick to avoid playing goalie in an end-of-season tournament.

Initially, the boy said that he enjoyed the fact that everyone liked him so much for being such a great goalie. However, it's clear that he soon began worrying that peers and coaches wouldn't like him if he didn't perform up to expectations.

When parents have talented or successful athletes who struggle with high expectations, they need to get to the root of what's upsetting or worrying their athletes. First of all, help the kids identify their own high expectations.

The athlete might say, "If I let my team down, nobody will like me." Or the child might say, "If I make a mistake, I screw up the game for everyone." Be sure to openly discuss athletes' fears or anxieties.

In most cases, we've discovered that kids in this position likely are afraid of failing or afraid of losing their peers' or coaches' approval. They may also be perfectionists who think they shouldn't
make mistakes.

Often, athletes' expectations are unrealistic. The athletes may feel as if they must win the game for everyone. Or they may feel as if they are not allowed to make any mistakes. These unrealistic expectations can undermine an athlete's confidence.

Discuss these expectations with your sports kids and help them understand that they shouldn't expect so much of themselves. You might remind them that no one is perfect. Tell them that people
will like even if they make mistakes.

Some kids are more open about discussing their feelings than others. With kids who are less likely to open up, be on the lookout for the moments during the day when they're more likely to share their feelings. Sometimes this is when you pick them up from school; sometimes it's just before they go to bed.

Want to learn more about how to create confidence and success in your young athlete? Check out our Ultimate Sports Parent workbook/CD program by clicking here!

You'll learn:

• How much pressure is too much pressure
• How to communicate with your young athlete
• How parents can instill confidence in young athletes
• How to prepare young athletes for game day
• How to cope with your young athlete's fear of failure

And other important tips for sports parents!

Sincerely,

Patrick Cohn, Ph.D., Mental Training Expert
& Lisa Cohn, Youth Sports Parenting Author

P.S. The Ultimate Sports Parent workbook program comes
with a neat bonus that helps parents act and say the right
things before a game or competition

©2007 The Ultimate Sports Parent by Peak Performance Sports
Instilling Mental Skills for Sports & Life!
888-742-7225/407-909-1700 (local)
http://www.youthsportspsychology.com/

Helping Young Athletes Trust in Their Skills

Do your sports kids excel in practice, but freeze up in competition? Do they have a hard time just being spontaneous and “free” when they compete? If so, you might need to help your child trust his or her athletic ability...

Freezing up in competition is a common challenge for young athletes. Some kids and teens love to practice and improve, but when it comes to competing, they suddenly don’t trust in their own skills and or have confidence in their abilities.

All young athletes face a lack of trust and confidence in their skills from time to time.

Maybe they’re new to a particular sport. Maybe they’re trying to learn a brand new skill and haven’t quite gotten it yet. Perhaps they’re perfectionists and feel that their performance isn’t “perfect” enough. They may also be afraid of making mistakes, so they play or compete tentatively.

Why should kids trust in their skills and abilities?

If they believe in their ability to execute a skill successfully, they’ll feel more confident. And more confidence will lead to more trust. That’s crucial to success and happiness in sports. In order to trust, athletes need to let go of conscious control—of their motor skills, for example. They must be able to perform spontaneously and intuitively.

As parents and coaches, there’s lots you can do to help young athletes learn to compete with trust and freedom.

First of all, look at your own behavior. Do you:

>>Ask your child to focus on proper or perfect form during the game?

>>Encourage your child to try to be perfect when performing?

>>Over coach your child right before game time?

>>Introduce a different method than the coach’s and confuse your child?

Instead, you need to:

1. Help your young athletes leave practice on the practice field, and learn to trust in their abilities.
2. Help them switch into an athletic, “let it happen” mindset in competition. Tell them to react intuitively, to keep it simple: See the ball and hit it.
3. Help them think of ways to perform in the here-and-now. How can they get the job done without worrying about or analyzing how to get the job done?
4. Help them accept that they can’t perform perfectly.

Want to learn more about how to help kids improve their performance, trust and confidence?

Check out our Ultimate Sports Parent workbook/CD program....

You’ll learn how to:

>Instill a confident mindset in your young athletes

>Help kids deal with competitive pressure

>Help kids trust their skills on game day

>Help young athletes set goals

>Guide sports kids who are dealing with difficult feelings and much more!

Hop over to our web site to snag your copy:

http://youthsportspsychology.com/

Sincerely,

Patrick Cohn, Ph.D., Mental Training Expert

P.S. The Ultimate Sports Parent workbook program comes with a neat
bonus that helps parents act and say the right things before a game or
competition:

http://youthsportspsychology.com/

©2007 The Ultimate Sports Parent by Peak Performance Sports
Instilling Mental Skills for Sports & Life!

Keeping Young Athletes from Dropping Out

Did you know that 75% of all young athletes drop out of sports by the time they are 13? They drop out because taking part in youth sports is no longer enjoyable for them.

What factors might lead young athletes to drop out? First of all, they might be playing for the wrong reasons—because a parent or coach wants them to play. Ultimately, playing to make someone else happy doesn't make the athlete happy.

Second, they may feel too much pressure to perform. When kids feel too much pressure, they often under-perform. Their confidence and happiness may sink.

Third, peers, parents and coaches may expect too much of young athletes—especially talented athletes. High expectations can undermine athletes' confidence and happiness.

To ensure your young athletes continue to enjoy sports, make sure they're playing because they want to play. Let your young athletes lead you. If all they want to do is play recreationally, let them do just that.

Don't push them to try out for higher levels of competition if they're mostly interested in playing for fun with friends. If you push them, your efforts may backfire and your kids may drop out of sports. Kids sometimes thrive when they can develop confidence at lower levels.

In addition, don't focus too much on winning. Winning may be fun for parents. But it's not always what's most fun for kids. Keep the long-term benefits of sports participation in mind. By taking part in athletics, kids learn important life skills such as sportsmanship, teamwork, and coping with adversity. They also stay fit and healthy.

Check your own motivations. Do you want your kids to play sports to win scholarships or to succeed in ways that you failed to succeed? Don't assume your athletes have the same goals or motivations that you have about sports.

Be a good cheerleader. Be positive and supportive of your young athletes' team and coaches. Find ways to help out the team. You can be a team parent or sign up to bring snacks, for example. While you're being supportive, be sure to keep your own coaching to a minimum. Leave the coaching to the coach.

Want to learn more about how to ensure kids stay in the game for as long as possible? Check out our Ultimate Sports Parent workbook and CD program. Nearly every section gives you important tips about how to ensure your kids enjoy sports for now and many years to come. Specifically, the workbook/CD program addresses:

*How to communicate with your young athletes

*How to help your athletes establish appropriate goals

*Providing positive motivation for your athletes

*How to instill a confident mindset in your sports kids

*Helping kids deal with competitive pressure

*Providing kids with positive support after defeat

**And much more!

Hop over to our web site to learn more how to help sports kids improve confidence and success!

Sincerely,

Patrick Cohn, Ph.D., Mental Training Expert

P.S. The Ultimate Sports Parent workbook program comes with a neat
bonus that helps parents act and say the right things before a game or
competition:

http://www.youthsportspsychology.com/

©2007 The Ultimate Sports Parent by Peak Performance Sports
Instilling Mental Skills for Sports & Life!

Helping Your Sports Kid Set Good Goals

Too often, sports parents set goals for their kids that are different than the kids' goals. It’s important for parents and coaches to help sports kids identify their own goals and then help them follow through on them.

Says Dony Wilcher, a popular basketball coach in Portland, OR., “I had one parent who wanted the world for his child. He went out of his way to get him the right equipment and send him to the top camps.”

“At the end of it all, he was perplexed that the kid was not a superstar. In some cases, kids will veer away from the sport altogether if the parents' goals are different than theirs.”

At first, most kids generally want to play sports to have fun and be with friends. At that point, that’s their goal, and it’s not necessary to set goals with them.

When they begin to be competitive--when they play in tournaments or join competitive teams--it's time to begin talking about their goals. For some children, this might be as young as 7 or 8--if they display unusual talent and motivation.

For example, I worked with one 8-year-old motocross racer who spent four hours per day training. It would be appropriate to talk about goals with a child like this.

When you're talking with your young athlete, begin with a broad, open-ended question.

If, for example. your child's goal is to try out for and make his or her high school basketball team, that's the long-term goal. Ask the child what he or she needs to do to make the team.

Evaluate his or her skills in dribbling, free-throw shooting, and defense, for example. Try to de-emphasize the long-term goal of making the team. When young athletes are too preoccupied with making the team, they may impose too many expectations on themselves and undermine their confidence.

Instead, parents and coaches should help young athletes identify smaller, shorter-term goals, such as improving their free-throw shooting.

Once you've helped your young athletes identify their goals, it's your job to help them aim toward them. The parents, coaches and athletes need to work as a team.

Parents should support their athletes by driving them to practices, cheering them on, and finding ways to ensure they are able to follow through on their commitments.

However, it's critical to be flexible. Parents and coaches should help kids modify their goals on a weekly or monthly basis.

Want to learn more about helping young athletes feel happy and confident in sports? Check out our latest program, “The Ultimate Sports Parent” workbook and CD program:

http://youthsportspsychology.com/ultimate_sports_parent_workbook.php

You'll learn...

• How much pressure is too much


• How to prepare young athletes on game day


• How to help kids stop worrying about what everyone thinks of their
  performance


• How to help kids overcome their fear of failure


• And much more!

Sincerely,

Patrick Cohn, Ph.D., Mental Training Expert

P.S. 'The Ultimate Sports Parent' workbook program comes with a neat
bonus that helps parents act and say the right things before a game
or competition, which you can download immediately:

http://youthsportspsychology.com/ultimate_sports_parent_workbook.php

©2007 The Ultimate Sports Parent by Peak Performance Sports
http://www.youthsportspsychology.com/

Helping Perfectionistic Sports Kids

Often, we hear from parents who worry about young athletes who are too hard on themselves. You’re likely familiar with these types of athletes. They’re perfectionists or perfectionistic.

Perfectionistic athletes criticize themselves for making mistakes, often hold very high expectations for themselves, and get frustrated easily after making mistakes.

On the positive side, these athletes have a strong work ethic, are committed to their goals, and want to learn and improve. In fact, most athletes display at least some 'perfectionistic' traits from time to time.

It’s not always easy for perfectionist athletes to perform up to their abilities. When kids try to be perfect, they can undermine their own talents quickly. They hold strict expectations about their performance, are afraid of failing, and worry too much about results—statistics, goals scored or wins.

If your young athlete is a perfectionist, begin by identifying the traits that may be sabotaging his or her confidence in competition.

Does your child want to win so badly that he feels anxious? Is your athlete afraid of failing or losing? Does he or she play tentatively during games? Does your athlete try too hard and then over-control his or her performance?

One important task for you as parent....

Parents with perfectionist athletes should help kids identify their high (often unrealistic) expectations about how they should perform. Then help your child replace these expectations with simple process goals.

For example, say your athlete believes he or she should hit every shot perfectly. Suggest that your child replace his or her “I must hit every shot perfectly” mindset with these simple process goals or objectives: 1. Pick the right target for each shot 2. Be decisive 3. Be confident.

Want to learn more about how to build confidence and success in young athletes? Check out our workbook/CD program, “The Ultimate Sports Parent: A 14-Day Plan for Kids’ Success in Sports.”

You’ll also learn how to:

• Decide how much pressure is too much pressure
• Motivate kids to master their sport
• Help kids feel confident in athletics
• Help young athletes not worry about what everyone thinks
• Guide children as they cope with frustration, anger and heartache in sports
• Cope with kids’ difficult or negative coaches
• Provide young athletes with the right kind of support after defeats or mistakes

Sincerely,

Patrick Cohn, Ph.D., Mental Training Expert
& Lisa Cohn, Youth Sports Parenting Author

P.S. Do you and your child want to learn how to overcome perfectionism, fear of failure, and perform up to one's potential? You might want to check out our new workbook to help sports kids perform better and accept imperfection.

©2007 The Ultimate Sports Parent by Peak Performance Sports
Instilling Mental Skills for Sports & Life!

http://www.youthsportspsychology.com/